I recall him begging for the pain to stop. I can say that after having witnessed
some of his migraine episodes, he was one tough guy. I don't believe this was an impulsive decision on his part, but rather a terrible, desperate move from a sick man to end years of physical pain. He strongly believed in God and I believe that is why he struggled with the decision for so long. I know he would never intentionally in any
clear state of mind, end his life. Knowing him almost better than anyone, I believe he finally rationalized that he was hopelessly going to suffer, and that in his interpretation of his religious beliefs, felt that God has eternal compassion and grace for the sick - and that he would be forgiven. In fact, he must have believed it so strongly that we was willing to risk damnation (in his mind) for taking his own life. I am quite sure of this.
I am also quite certain, as his brother, he was entirely blind to the consequences. If he could have only seen the results here with the living now, he would have never done it. I am proud to say in my 52 years, I literally never saw him do or say anything unkind to anyone. He was a great father and husband. He was so creative and always
supported me in every musical cause. He never complained once that the parts I would write are designed for keyboard, not guitar. He always said, no problem...I'll come up with a solution. And he definitely did, every time.
Our road has been so long and I feel abandoned. There is an issue here of endurance... and what is "in another persons mind" simply can't be fully appreciated. No outreach of love, professional care, etc got the job done in this case. I believe as his brother, and knowing him so well, he had given "his all" in his epic fight, but just couldn't hang on. I am living witness to his efforts and the length he went to keep trying. He loved his wife and children more than anything, but closed his world to most others.
I am beyond devastated that he didn't reach out on his last day to his big brother. That hurts more than his loss. I won't judge him, but will only pray for him. I know he would want me to finish off many of the songs we have in progress and eventually I will as I have so many recorded tracks "in the can". I will need a while to recover, but my faith and love in music are only stronger. He left beautiful classical music on loop at the location. I believe that was his message to say - this is me, please forgive me.
Ironically, in the past I have heard Wayne make powerful arguments against such action - because that was HIM. He didn't believe in it. I am quite certain he fell into a true mental illness - and though his final act was willful, his actions were NOT the REAL him. No way. Not a chance. The relentless creator and musician, the brother I grew up with and spent thousands of hours with, that's the real Wayne. It gonna be tough to finish a mix and get no feedback from him though. That was a massive part of what we did.
One memory I will share about early Magellan. Wayne decided that he would quit a good paying job, take his entire pension, take the tax hit and cash out to launch our recordings. He never regretted that and I am so glad that many of his best moments
and memories included me. I have enough memories to keep me smiling for a lifetime.
God bless you brother, please rest in peace knowing I'll keep the faith here for both of us. I will make sure your children know you and about your beautiful presence.